


I Heard the Bells (2016)

by IvanW



Series: Ivan's K/S Winter Holiday Collection [7]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fractured Relationships, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Holidays, Love, M/M, ObliviousJim, PiningSpock, Post-Five Year Mission, Romance, Sick Character, Spock POV, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-06 01:27:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8729278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Spock, who has been on New Vulcan for years, returns to Earth when his closest friend becomes gravely ill. In spite of Spock's wishes, old feelings come to the forefront once more.





	1. An Unwelcome Return

It had been years since Spock had seen him. Years since Spock had been forced to accept that what had been for his counterpart was never to be for him.

The painful realization that Jim did not return his feelings had been difficult. Spock had spent a lifetime learning to hide his feelings, though, and he tamped down his ever growing affection for his captain quite firmly.

At the end of their five year mission, they had agreed to an extension of two years. Spock’s romantic relationship with Nyota had ended for good, though they remained as close as siblings. She had been endlessly encouraging to Spock to reveal his love to Jim, but Spock had watched Jim flirt with endless females, sleeping with many of them, falling for more than one, but especially two that Spock found particularly painful, Miramanee, who Jim had married, and Rayna, whom Jim found particularly hard to get over. The time never seemed right.

And then, when finally their extension was over, and many of the crew had new assignments, Jim wished Spock well in his travels to New Vulcan. Spock had not said that was where he intended to go, for it had all depended on Jim, but when Jim smiled at him with what could only be considered a friendly smile, and wished him well on the new colony, Spock believed he had his answer. He treated Spock no different than he had Mister Sulu or Mister Scott as he wished them well. In fact, with Sulu and Scott, Jim had hugged them, if briefly. Spock…he hadn’t even done that.

Jim had simply clasped Spock on the arm and said, “Keep in touch.”

And that was that.

Spock had overheard Jim telling Leonard that he intended to spend some time in Riverside, where he was from, before returning to Starfleet headquarters for his promotion to Admiral. Jim hadn’t even told him himself. Spock did not know why that had hurt, he just knew that it had.

So, even though Nyota continued to insist Spock should confess his feelings, Spock had not and gone to New Vulcan instead, like apparently he was expected to do.

Spock had buried himself in work and eventually had mated with a Vulcan woman to create a child. The woman had wanted little to do with Spock, she was merely doing what was expected of her to build the Vulcan race. Once the child, a daughter, was three, his bond to the Vulcan female was dissolved at her request. She had taken their daughter with her on a Vulcan Science vessel and Spock had seen neither of them for years.

Though regrets were illogical, Spock could not help but wish that he had a relationship with his daughter. He had respected her mother’s wishes, though.

Spock had never intended to step foot back on Earth if he could help it. In many ways it was his second home, especially since Vulcan was destroyed, but there were too many memories of what could not be, and too much sense of loss.

And yet…here he was. And during the holiday season, no less. Christmas lights decorated street lamps and shop windows everywhere. Even as he approached the hospital, which was the reason he was here in San Francisco at this time, he saw bright red and green sparkly garland adorning the doors and windows of the hospital itself. And wreaths and holly berries. They were everywhere.

At the front desk he learned the location of Nyota’s room and he rode the lift up to see her. As he walked toward her room, Spock’s steps faltered as he heard the unmistakable low rumble of…Jim’s voice.

He had not expected this. Not now. Not after all this time.

Spock did not know why. Nyota had been Jim’s communication’s officer and friend for years. Why would he not be here? He clenched his fists. He almost turned around and left. And yet…he had come all this way. To turn back would be completely illogical.

Perhaps he no longer felt those stirrings for Jim. After all much had changed since then. He had not even kept in touch with Jim or even knew what he was doing these days. And Nyota would be expecting him.

He inhaled deeply then let out the breath slowly as he did in meditation.

Spock reached the door way to her hospital room and looked in.

James Tiberius Kirk did not sit in a chair at the side of Nyota’s bed. He sat on her bed. Holding her hand and his lips curved in a gentle smile. His temples were dusted with gray and there were silver streaks throughout his still perfectly coiffed hair. He wore an admiral’s uniform and it stretched tight across his muscular shoulders. Around his still super blue eyes, why Spock thought that might change, he knew not, were tiny wrinkles as he smiled. Spock remembered human’s called them, strangely enough, crow’s feet.

He looked…magnificent.

If Spock thought his feelings had disappeared, he knew now they had not. They were simply buried and had quite unexpectedly crawled up from their grave and sprung to life anew.

Nyota noticed Spock first.

“Spock!” she exclaimed happily.

Jim’s smile dimmed ever so slightly, but did not disappear.

Spock stepped inside the room and approached his dear friend from the opposite side of where Jim was perched. Jim had released her hand when Spock walked in and so Spock now took both of her hands in his.

“You are looking well.”

“I doubt that. I look like hell and we both know it,” she said somewhat impishly.

Nyota was sick. Very sick. She’d been diagnosed with a rare disease and she had admitted to Spock in their communications that her outlook did not appear to be very positive. And yet she still did not fail to care for him, to be concerned for him.

Spock, with reluctance, looked to Jim. “Admiral.” He would like to say seeing him was welcome, but Spock did not lie, and so he could not.

“Hey, Spock,” Jim said softly. “No need to be so formal. It’s good to see you.”

Spock inclined his head.

“It’s been a long time.”

“Yes,” Spock acknowledged.

Jim smiled down at Nyota. “I do need to leave, but I’ll come by to see you tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Jim.”

Jim stood and Spock did not notice how he still cut quite a fine figure in his uniform. “Later, maybe you and I can get together to catch up. Since you’re here and all.”

“Perhaps,” was all Spock said. Jim seemed to take no offense though because he continued to smile before he left the room.

“Oh, Lord. You still have it bad don’t you, ngudu?” She squeezed his hands.

“I had hoped my feelings had changed.”

Nyota shook her head. “They won’t, Spock. Not ever.”

He refused to acknowledge in words that she was right.

“You look good, despite everything.” She released his hands and patted the bed beside her. “Come and lay down with me.”

Spock hesitated only briefly before he got into the hospital bed with her, pulling her close.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered.

“I have missed you also, Nyota.”

“It’s too bad it’s taken my dying for us to see each other again.”

His heart clenched in his side. “Nyota—”

“I know. Shh. No talk of that. And it’s Christmas time anyway.”

“I care not for Christmas.”

“I know. Or so you say. But I do. And others do. Sucks being here for it though.” She shook her head. “I’m hoping they let me out of here before it arrives.”

“Is that wise?”

“I’m stable right now,” Nyota said. “Not getting any worse. I want to go home.”

“Is there…no hope?” He made himself ask.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “The doctors are trying, Spock. I’m just-I’m tired of fighting.”

“Please do not say that.”

She clutched his sweater in her hands. “I’m not going anywhere just yet, ngudu. And anyway, I want to see you happy first.”

Spock shook his head. “Vulcans do not feel happiness.”

“Lucky you’re half human then.” She smiled. “Have you seen her?”

Spock knew who she meant. She’d asked before. The answer was always the same.

“No.”

“Bitch.”

“Nyota.”

“She’s a bitch, Spock. You should be allowed to see your daughter.”

“Some things are not meant to be,” Spock said quietly.

Something that could be said for so much.

“You can stay here with me tonight,” Nyota said. “I asked the doctor. He said it was all right.”

Spock nodded. “Good. I do not wish to leave.”

She fell silent then and Spock became aware after a while that she had fallen asleep. On a little table across from the bed was a small potted Christmas tree with red and gold balls. The two humans he  had loved most other than his mother.

Spock closed his eyes and joined her in slumber.


	2. Leaving the Hospital

“Where are my slippers, Spock? The red ones.”

Spock bent down next to Nyota’s hospital bed and fetched the flat, red sparkly slip on shoes. He held them up. “These?”

“Yes. Christine gave them to me to wear for Christmas.” She was perched on the edge of the bed. She had put on a loose pair of sweatpants and a red sweater threaded with gold. Her hair, still long, though not as long as when they’d been together, was loose about her shoulders instead of tied back. There were lines about her mouth and eyes now but she was still very pretty.  

“I still wish to go on record as not being in favor of your release.”

“Duly noted,” Nyota said with a small smile. “It’s fine, Spock. I’ll come back to the hospital when the holidays are done. The doctors said I could.”

Spock pursed his lips but said nothing. He handed the red shoes to her and she slipped them on her feet.

“Did I hear you’re going home?”

Spock stiffened at the sound of Jim’s voice coming from the doorway of Nyota’s room. He had hoped to escape the hospital before he came to see her. An illogically selfish hope.

“I sure am. Good morning, Jim. Didn’t expect you this early.”

He came into the room now but Spock did not turn around. Instead he made himself busy packing Nyota’s bag with the things she apparently brought to the hospital with her.

“That’s good news, right?”

“It’s not bad news,” Nyota agreed. “I didn’t want to be here for Christmas and the doctors said I was stable enough to go home.”

Spock turned just as Jim smiled, making him wish he had not done so. His heart leapt in his side. “Admiral,” he said coolly, figuring it would be most illogical not to greet him.

“Hey, Spock. Jim, remember?” Jim shook his head.

“You know, we’re about to leave,” Nyota said. “Why don’t you come with us? Spock was going to make me some lunch. He’s going to stay with me while he’s here.”

Spock opened his mouth to protest inviting Jim.

“Yeah? Sure. I’d like to come. If it’s all right.”

Nyota grinned. “Of course it is. Isn’t it Spock?”

“Indeed,” he forced himself to say.

“Great. I just have to call Antonia.”

“Antonia?” Spock queried politely.

“The woman I’ve been seeing,” Jim explained.

“If you have other plans—”

“No, no. It’s nothing. I’ll go make my call and then wait in the hallway."

Nyota bit her lip as they watched Jim depart. “Spock—”

“Nyota, do not attempt to matchmake between myself and Jim.”

“I just want you to be happy,” she said softly. “I need to make sure before…well…if I don’t make it.”

“I refuse to acknowledge that is a possibility. In any event, my happiness, if that is even possible, does not lie with James Kirk. You have just heard yourself that he is seeing someone.”

She scoffed. “I know all about Antonia. She’s nothing and no one. Jim doesn’t belong with her. He belongs with you.”

Spock just shook his head and reached for her bag. “Are you ready?”

She sighed. “Yes. More than ready. But we need to stop and get a few things at the store.”

“We will get you settled and then I will go.” He helped her down and out of the hospital room.

Jim was waiting. He wore that same devastating smile and Spock had an illogical urge to punch it off his face. “All set?”

“Yep,” Nyota said. “Let’s break out of this place.”

****

“You did not need to accompany me to the store,” Spock said, trying not to sound as displeased as he felt.

They had gotten Nyota settled back in her apartment. She had insisted on taking a nap while _they_ went to the store. Spock had protested but the two of them had overruled him.

“I know I didn’t,” Jim said easily. “But this works out. I can get some stuff for Nyota for Christmas. Make her place look more festive.”

“Festive.”

“Uh-huh.” Jim stopped their cart at a display of Christmas ribbons, wreaths, and ornaments. He glanced at Spock then. “So.”

“So?”

“How have you been?” Jim picked up a wreath that was covered in fake holly berries and red bows. He put it in the cart. “I heard you got married. Vulcan married. Right?”

That did surprise Spock. He had not expected Jim to know anything about him.

“I did but the bond was dissolved at her request.”

Blue eyes rose to his face but there was no change in his expression. “Didn’t you have a child?”

“Yes. A daughter.”

Jim nodded. “And?”

“I do not see her. She is with her mother.”

Jim frowned. “And you accepted that?”

“Ours was a bond of convenience,” Spock replied. “It was my time and an effort needed to be made to repopulate our race. It was never intended to be a more formal, permanent relationship. She chose to bring our daughter with her on a science mission.”

Jim didn’t respond to that, but instead picked up more decorations and added them to the cart. “Come on, we need to get more things.”

Spock followed after him, ready to get the shopping finished so that he could make Nyota’s lunch and Jim could be on his way. Perhaps if he were fortunate, this would be the last time he’d have to see his former captain. But somehow that prospect seemed very dim indeed and gave him no pleasure. 


	3. Talking over Tea

“She is still asleep. Perhaps you should depart.”

Based on the fact that both of Jim’s eyebrows rose, Spock supposed he lacked subtly.

“No. I think I’ll stay and decorate her apartment so it’s nice and cheery when she wakes up,” Jim said with an easy curve of his lips.

“I hardly think that a few ribbons and bows will ease the distress of illness.”

Jim tilted his head as he dug into the bag of purchases he made. “You still know so little about Humans, don’t you? It’s at times like these that we need a distraction.”

“Distractions will hardly change the facts.”

“It’s not meant to change things, Spock.”

Spock shook his head and decided to change the subject. “I am going to make tea. If you are staying, would you care for some?”

That earned him a rather throaty chuckle that did way too much for Spock’s interest. “Yeah, I’m staying. So sure, I’ll have some tea.”

Rather than put up the decorations as he declared he intended to do, Jim sidled up to the kitchen bar in Nyota’s apartment and sat down on a stool, elbows resting on the counter in front of him as he watched Spock make the tea.

“You guys getting back together?”

“If you are referring to me and Nyota, the answer is no.”

“Hmm.”

“What is the purpose of that sound?” Spock asked, almost irrationally irritated.

“I don’t know.” Jim shrugged. “I thought you guys were going to stand the test of time. I mean you even got back together after you almost left for New Vulcan just before Krall.” Jim’s gaze lowered then to the counter and lingered there for a moment before raising back to look at Spock once more. His expression was as closed off as any Vulcan Spock was familiar with. “I just thought you’d get married and raise a family or something.”

“Our relationship ended prior to the end of our mission,” Spock reminded Jim.

“Yeah, I know. Guess I thought maybe you’d find your way back to each other.” Jim laughed. “Not that I know much about relationships anyway.”

“Yet are you not currently in one?”

“Well, yeah.” Jim nodded. Spock wished he had not confirmed that, but it was not unexpected either. “But chances are I’ll screw it up eventually. I generally do.”

Spock handed him the cup of tea.

“Thanks. Which actually reminds me.”

“The tea?”

“No. What we were talking about. Relationships. That kind of thing. You look really good.”

Spock didn’t quite know what to say to that, so he said nothing.

“I mean, hell, how long’s it been? And you look the same. Me? I’m getting old.” He winced. “Older, anyway. But you…you haven’t aged at all. Guess the benefits of being Vulcan, huh?”

“Indeed.”

“What I wanted to say was…I’m sorry.”

“Sorry, Admiral?”

Jim sighed. “Yeah. Sorry you don’t think of me as a friend enough to call me Jim. And I know that’s my fault. Things changed between us at the end there.” He gripped the teacup hard. “Right around the time we went to Theta Kiokis II.”

Spock’s brows furrowed.

“You know, that was the replica of the OK Corral fight.”

“Yes, I am quite aware of the circumstances surrounding Theta Kiokis II. I just did not notice a marked change in our friendship at that time.”

Jim shrugged. “Maybe it was just me then.  Anyway, I know I said I’d keep in touch after the mission ended. But I didn’t.”

“No, you did not.”

Jim puckered his lips. “You didn’t either by the way.”

“I acknowledge that but our parting hardly seemed to encourage further communication between us. You lacked…enthusiasm for the task.”

Jim sighed then and sipped at his tea. “I did say it was my fault. People change, Spock. Grow apart. Some people are just friends when they work together.”

The words and prospect of such were painful to hear.

“Is that your way of declaring we were only work friends?” he asked quietly.

“No,” Jim said quickly. “No. But Starfleet did bring us together in the first place. In the beginning, you didn’t even like me.”

“You did not particularly like me either.”

“I know.” Jim put his teacup down. “And the thing was the Ambassador said we were supposed to have this epic friendship and I couldn’t see how that was possible.”

“He made similar remarks to me.”

Jim smiled faintly. “And then we did. Or at least I think we did. But at the end…maybe it was me. I don’t know. I guess it hardly matters now. I just thought you’d want to do what you’d said before that you wanted to do. Go to New Vulcan, I mean. And I didn’t want to stand in the way of that.” He lowered his gaze to his hands. “I know I did before. I can be needy and selfish and a big stupid jerk. And the last thing I wanted to do was prevent you from being what you wanted to be. But yeah, I should have kept in touch. I know that. I’m not very good at maintaining friends either.”

“You have kept in touch with Nyota,” Spock felt the need to point out though he did not know why.

Jim’s gaze rose and he gave Spock a rueful smile. “She kept in touch with me mostly. She’s how I know about what’s happened in your life, actually.”

“You’ve asked her?”

Jim nodded. “And I’m sorry what I said at the store about your kid. What your circumstances are with that is entirely your business and I sure as hell don’t have a right to judge. If it makes you feel better, I haven’t kept in touch with Sulu or Scotty either.”

He didn’t know how that could make him feel better. For one thing, Spock has always hoped that he mattered in Jim’s life more than Sulu and Scott. To find himself lumped in their category was not at all conducive to feeling better.

Spock forced himself to ask, “And Doctor McCoy?”

“Oh.” Jim grinned. “Well, Bones is in a category all on his own, isn’t he? Hell, I talk to Bones every day.”

Yes, of course, the doctor was special in a way Spock apparently was not.

“Anyway, I’ve definitely blathered on illogically long enough. Let me get those decorations up or Nyota will be up and I still won’t have them done.” Jim slipped off the stool and grabbed his bag of decorations and began to stick them up all over Nyota’s apartment.

Spock made himself busy making the lunch he’d promised to make. But every once in a while, his gaze found Jim and lingered there.     


	4. Do You Hear What I Hear?

Spock was very much aware of Jim’s conversation to the side of Nyota’s apartment. Though he spoke in so low a voice it was nearly a whisper, and Spock could not hear lest he step closer, which would be entirely too obvious, Spock still kept his focus entirely too much on the man.

And Nyota, always perceptive, did not fail to notice. “He doesn’t look happy.”

Spock would agree. At least to himself. “His emotional state is not my concern.”

“He doesn’t belong with her,” Nyota said. She was sitting at the dining room table, her hands wrapped around a very large mug of tea. “And he knows it. She makes him miserable, Spock. Surely you can see it.”

“Even if that is all true, Nyota, it is hardly my business to interfere.”

“But, my ngudu, it _is_ your business.” She sighed and shook her head. She was bundled up in a long red dress she informed Spock was called a caftan. “You belong together. I know you do. And I am unhappy with any part I had in keeping you apart.”

“You regret our time together?” He came to sit beside her. The soup he was making was heating on the stove, so he had some time.

“Oh, never. But we’d both known we made better friends than lovers long before we ended things. I even knew about your feelings for Jim. And I believe that he does return your feelings.”

Spock watched him. Jim’s head was bent down and he was hunched in on himself. “He has never given any indication that is true.”

“Because he buries them. He buries everything. It’s taken me a long time to realize it, Spock, but everything about him is very deep. You need to make the move. Because he won’t. He’s used to being used, not being loved.”

Jim suddenly straightened, closed his communicator, and with a grimace turned and walked over to them. “Sorry about that. And as it turns out, I can’t stay for lunch. I’ve got to get going.”

Nyota offered him a sweet smile. “Thank you for all the decorations. It really brightens the place up.”

“You’re welcome. Any time.” His blue eyes suddenly looked wet as he stared at her, but just as quickly their wet shine disappeared. He bent down and hugged her. “I’ll come see you tomorrow.”

“It’s really not necessary,” Nyota protested. “You’ve been by every day. I know you’re busy. And being pulled in all directions by Starfleet, the Federation, certain selfish women.”

For a moment, Jim looked startled and Spock was certain he was about to advise Nyota she had overstepped herself. But then to Spock’s surprise, Jim laughed, and it was very genuine. Probably the most genuine reaction Spock had yet seen from Jim since his arrival.

Jim shook his head. “You’re right. But I’m still coming by tomorrow.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. Jim flashed a brief but tired smile at Spock that pulled at his heart, then turned and headed for the door of the apartment.

Nyota widened her eyes at Spock and then waved her hands at him to follow Jim. Aiming a brief frown in her direction, Spock followed after Jim.

“I am sorry you are not able to stay for lunch,” Spock said as they reached the door.

“Yeah me too.” Jim grimaced.

“Is there a problem?”

“Not really. Just…there are some changes that have to be made.”

“Changes?”

Jim nodded, but he didn’t seem to want to elaborate. “Look, maybe we can have dinner tomorrow night? If you think Nyota will be okay for a couple of hours.”

“Dinner?” Spock seemed to be able to only repeat words. He was aggravated with himself.

The tentative smile on Jim’s face faded. “If you don’t want to—”

“No. I would like to.”

“Good. Maybe we can go after I come by for my visit. If that works for you.”

Spock nodded. “It does.”

Jim smiled just a little.

It occurred to Spock in that moment that his former captain was not happy. No more happy with his life than Spock was.

Perhaps Nyota was right after all.

And, illogically, he hoped. Spock was not used to hoping.

Jim opened the door and the jingle bells on the door Jim had placed there himself tingled far more merrily than was called for.


	5. You Are the One

“So…is this place okay?”

Spock was unfamiliar with the restaurant chosen for their dinner. He refused to call it a date even though Nyota had repeatedly referred to it as that. It was merely two old friends getting together during tragic circumstances.

“I have never been here,” Spock replied as he accepted the menu from the waiter.

“It has vegetarian choices as well as meat,” Jim explained. “And yeah, that’s not a surprise. I don’t think it was here until after you went to live on New Vulcan.”

Spock opened his menu and quickly scanned the choices. “It appears to be acceptable.”

Jim smiled at the waiter. “Whatever your house Cabernet Sauvignon is for me.”

“Do you have a spiced tea?” Spock asked.

“Yes, sir.”

“I’ll have that, please.” After the waiter left, Spock glanced over the sparsely lit restaurant. It was decorated for the holidays as seemed to be the case everywhere Spock went. He missed the simplicity of New Vulcan.

“I think I’m going to have a steak,” Jim announced. “Had one the other day that was terrible so I need an antidote.”

“Where did you have this steak?”

“Oh.” Jim grimaced. “Antonia made it. I guess she tried.”

“You seem to be seeing a lot of her,” Spock said, casually, studying his menu.

“Mm. We were set up by Komack, actually. She’s the daughter of one of his old cronies.” Jim shrugged. “I’m not one for blind date, but I agreed.”

Spock decided on his own meal and set the menu down. “It is serious?”

And Spock realized he was holding his breath, though he had absolutely no right to do so. Or even to have any expectations. Jim was not a potential boyfriend or mate. He was merely an old colleague.

Unfortunately the waiter picked that time to return with their beverages. He set the wine in front of Jim and the tea in front of Spock.

“Ready to order?”

“Yeah. I’ll have the rib eye, medium rare, with a baked potato with everything, and broccoli.”

“Soup or salad?”

“What’s the soup?”

“Clam chowder, sir.”

“I’ll have that.”

The waiter turned to Spock. “You, sir?”

“The mushroom frittata with the basil mint sauce on the side, please.”

“Very good, sir. Soup or salad?”

“Salad, dry.”

“Coming right up.”

Spock wondered if Jim would answer the question left hanging with the waiter’s arrival or if Spock would be left in the dark regarding Jim’s feelings toward Antonia.

“She wants it to be,” Jim said softly, as he lifted the wine to his lips.

Spock felt a little queasy. “Meaning?”

“She wants us to get married.”

It was just as bad as Spock dreaded. And yet, he reminded himself that he’d had no right to hope otherwise. He had no hold on the man who was once his captain. They were barely even friends now.

“Then are congratulations in order?”

He watched as Jim swirled the wine in his glass staring into the maroon depths as though he’d find his answer to Spock’s question there.

Very slowly Jim’s gaze rose and there was such intensity in that gaze Spock’s breath caught in his throat. “No. I’m not…no.”

Spock made himself nod. Just because Jim did not apparently want to marry Antonia at this point, certainly did not mean there was not a future time. And as far as Spock knew, Jim was only interested in females. He’d never mentioned an interest in males. Nor for that matter in Vulcans. Orions, Andorians, Caitians. Not a Vulcan amongst them.

Jim toyed with the fork next to his plate. “To be honest, last night, I ended things with her. I think.”

“You think?”

Jim shrugged a little. “She seemed to have some trouble with it. But as far as I am concerned, it’s over. I don’t want to get married and that’s what she wants.”

“You do not wish to marry Antonia?”

Jim gave a sort of twisted smile. “I don’t want to get married at all. I’m not exactly a commitment sort of guy, you know?”

Spock gripped his teacup to have something to do. “You committed to Starfleet.”

“True. I guess that’s my only form of commitment. I’m not like you, Spock. You and Uhura were together for quite a while. And even when you ended things, what did you do? You went and got yourself a Vulcan mate.”

“As I advised, it was my time. And it was important to contribute to developing our species.”

“Well, I’m not even sure that would have mattered to me.” Jim shrugged. “Children? I just could never see me settled down with a wife and kids.”

“You never wanted a sense of permanence?”

Jim looked away, toward the window, even though it was dark and the visibility was impaired. “Yes. Once. Once I wanted something—someone—it was all I could think about.”

“What…happened?”

Jim shook his head. “Unrequited love sucks, Spock. I wouldn’t recommend it.”

Nor would Spock.

He turned his gaze once more to Spock. “Want to get out of here?”

“Admiral?”

“Let’s get this food to go and go to my place. It’s not that far. We can walk there. This place is…I don’t know. I just don’t want to sit here anymore.”

“If you would prefer to end our dinner—”

“No, it’s not that. I’ve just…I’ve been here before. With Antonia. And I’m just not feeling it.”

“Very well.”

Jim signaled the waiter to come over.

****

“Do you miss being on New Vulcan?” Jim asked, his hands stuffed into his pockets.

Spock had insisted on carrying their takeout containers. The night was cold and their breaths puffed out as they walked along a surprisingly quiet street toward the building Jim lived in.

“Yes,” Spock admitted. “It is not Vulcan, but there are similarities. And I like the solitude.”

“Do you? I’m not sure I would. I’ve been alone most of my life.”

“You have a lot of friends. Dr. McCoy for instance.”

“Sure. But Bones doesn’t even live around here anymore. And I’ve lived alone since my academy days.” Jim shrugged. “I used to be so…” His voice trailed off and he left the sentence trailing. He stopped before a small apartment building. It was simple, only a couple of stories. Not at all the high-rise luxury building Spock had expected. “Here we are. I’m on the first floor overlooking the pool.”

Spock followed Jim into the building and into his apartment. It was a plain, yet somehow cozy apartment with very little fuss. Oddly enough there were no Christmas decorations.

“Not very fancy, I guess. I had one before. But it just…it was pretentious. Something someone like Antonia would like.” Jim laughed. “And there I am, mentioning her again. Ugh. You want some tea? You can set up the food there at that table.”

Spock did as instructed and took the plates Jim handed to him. “You were saying?”

“Saying?”

“You used to be so?”

“Oh.” Jim laughed again. “I used to be so lonely. A ship full of people. Crew everywhere. You know? And yet I spent almost every night alone. I guess that’s my lot in life.”

Spock almost said it didn’t have to be, but then he reminded himself that Jim never gave an indication that he would have preferred to spend that time with a Vulcan named Spock.

“You are not decorated for Christmas here,” he said instead.

“Yeah. Lately I’ve been spending most of my time with she who will not be named.” He grinned. “I didn’t see the point.” He brought over tea and a glass of wine.

“Are you—” Spock stopped. Licked his lips in a way that was reminiscent of Jim. “Are you certain that there is no chance for reconciliation between you and Antonia?”

“I’m not in love with her. I don’t think I ever will be.” Jim sat at the table and so Spock did too.

“Is love so important?” Spock asked softly. “Humans put so much emphasis on emotional connection.”

“Well, for me, since I’m not looking to have a family and a white picket fence, what else is there besides love? What other reason is there to be with someone? I don’t mean sexually. I can have all the one-night stands I want. But if I were to commit to someone, and there’s that word again, ugh, I’d have to really want to be with only them.”

“And that is not possible?”

“I’ve learned that it doesn’t seem to be for me.” Jim gestured to Spock’s mushroom frittata. “How is that?”

“It is good. And your steak?”

“Perfect. What about you, Spock?”

“What about me, Jim?”

“You are not with anyone now, right?”

“Correct.”

“And you don’t think you’ll get back with Nyota?”

“Definitely not. As the saying goes, that ship has sailed. Nyota and I love each other. But it is not romantic love.”

“And there’s no chance with the Vulcan woman who gave birth to your daughter?”

“None. There is nothing between us except our daughter.”

Jim smiled a little. “So, there’s no one out there who warms the tips of your ears?”

Spock quirked a brow. “You know about that?”

“Maybe. Yeah. Once the ambassador said something about it. The tips of his ears got warm when he was around the person he was interested in.”

“Not interested in. Loved,” Spock said quietly.

“And for you? Do you think that person is out there for you?”

“They are out there, yes. But not for me.”

“That’s cryptic.”

“Perhaps,” Spock acknowledged.

Jim frowned. “Are you in love with someone that doesn’t love you?” He shook his head. “I find that hard to believe.”

“Do you?”

“Well, yeah. All the women on the ship had crushes on you. God, remember Christine Chapel?”

“The object of my romantic love is not a woman,” he said carefully.

Jim set his wine glass down with a rather loud smack they both ignored. “Not a woman?”

“That is what I said.”

“Then a-a what?”

“A male.”

“I don’t understand.”

Spock nearly rolled his eyes. “That much is clear.”

“Who, Spock? Who are you in love with? Romantically interested. Whatever.”

“Jim.”

“Are you going to tell me it’s none of my business? Well, you’d be right. It’s not. Hell, we’ve not even stayed in touch and I know that’s on me, because you never would have taken that initiative.”

“You did not encourage further contact,” Spock felt compelled to say.

“After-after Theta Kiokis II you can actually wonder why.”

“I still do not know what happened on Theta Kiokis II that you refer to.”

“Spock, just tell me. Who are you romantically interested in?”

“You are correct,” Spock said flatly. He stood. “It is not your business. I should depart.”

Jim stood. “God, sometimes I still want to rip those bangs off your face.”

Spock stared at him, blinked rapidly. What did he have to lose? Nothing. He had nothing with Jim now anyway. Not even really the friendship the ambassador had hinted at long ago. Certainly not what the ambassador had with his Kirk. And yet it seemed he was doomed to have those same feelings.

“You.”

Jim frowned. “Me what?”

Spock was reminded of why he’d choked Jim before. “You. Are. The. One.”


	6. Completely

As Spock watched him, Jim seemed to lose all color, going an odd shade of ashen, and Spock began to realize revealing his feelings had been the grave mistake he’d always imagined it to be.

“Fuck,” Jim whispered.

Spock didn’t understand the reaction at all. And he could just get up and leave. Pretend it never happened. Not that he really could. But perhaps he could pretend to pretend. But he was no coward and no fool. So instead, he said, “Explain.”

“Explain?” Jim asked, his tone one of incredulity. “You explain.”

“I do not know how I can be clearer in what I said.”

“You are actually sitting here claiming you…what…are in love with _me_?”

Spock felt as though he was outside a window watching this conversation instead of taking part in it. “Yes.”

“Since when?” Jim demanded.

“I cannot put an exact time on it. Or date. It is not scientific fact or a hypothesis. But it has been years. Many.”

Jim shook his head, still looking entirely too pale for Spock’s liking. “If that is true, then, then why—” He stopped, licking his lips. “Why did you reject me after Theta Kiokis II?”

The world seemed to tilt a little. “Reject you?”

“After the mind meld. You knew how I felt and—”

“How you felt?”

Jim frowned. “That I’d been in love with you since…I couldn’t let you die in that volcano. That’s when I knew. But you-you were never-you were with Nyota all that time. I could never tell you. And I was content to be your friend. Even after you two broke up, you never gave me any reason to believe or even to hope you saw me in any way except as your captain and friend. I didn’t even know you were attracted to males. You never said.”

“You did not say either.”

“I’ve been pansexual since I went through puberty. Never mind that. The point is, you knew about my feelings after you melded with me on Theta Kiokis II and you didn’t want me. You didn’t love me then. Did you realize it after the mission ended?”

“I did not know. Jim, the point of that meld was not to learn personal information from your mind, but to ensure that you would know that the bullets from the shootout were not real and would not harm you.”

“I know that,” Jim said somewhat impatiently. “But I felt something. There was something…like a catch…a click or something. And I asked both Bones and Scotty if it was like that for them. And they both said no.”

“You are psi-null you would not have felt anything like what you describe.”

“I know what I felt, Spock. There was that little click and then I saw flashes of memories, mine and yours, it was fast, but I saw it, and I felt this yearning, this aching need to be with you, and there’s no way you didn’t get that from that meld. I’ve been melded with before, I know all about emotional transference.”

“Jim, even if you felt all that, saw what you say, I was concentrating on ensuring your safety, I did not receive any thoughts or feelings from you.”

“Bullshit.”

“Jim—”

Jim stood up and was quite clearly very agitated. “I heard you.”

“Heard me?” Spock did not even bother to hide his growing confusion. That they both had such different recollections of that time made no sense to Spock.

“When we came back. You were talking to Nyota. You didn’t know I was there. You didn’t know anyone was there, but the two of you. And I was about to tell you I was, so that you wouldn’t say crap you didn’t want anyone else to hear, but it was too late. I couldn’t get the words out after I heard what you said.”

“What-what did I say?”

“You said that you learned about my feelings and could not reciprocate. That you were uncomfortable with my affections and didn’t think you could maintain our friendship after having learned what you did.” Jim looked away. “You have no idea what it was like hearing all that. No idea.”

Spock felt sick. And his heart had plummeted in his side. He had never understood that human colloquialism until now. “Jim, no. It was-I did not say that.”

“I _heard_ you.”

“I am sorry to disagree with you, but you did not hear me say that about you.” Spock stood and dared to approach Jim. He considered it a victory when Jim did not back up. “The conversation you recall between myself and Nyota did occur. But the male we were discussing was not you. Did you hear me say Jim or the captain?”

“No, but—”

Spock closed his eyes. “It was Ensign Parks from my science department. He had given me a gift with a disclosure of his feelings.”

“A gift?”

Spock opened his eyes, and was glad to see that Jim was listening. “If you will recall our mission on Theta Kiokis II coincided with Valentine’s Day. When I returned to the ship I discovered his gift in my quarters. The ensign and I had developed a friendship over our mutual appreciation of science, but the Ensign read more into it than I had intended.” He dared to take a step closer. Almost afraid that all that had been revealed in the last few minutes would be taken away like a dream one woke from. “You erroneously assumed I spoke of you because of your misconception of what I learned through our meld. And it is my fault.”

“Yours?” Jim said so softly Spock could barely hear him.

“I should have spoken of my affections to you, but I was—”

“Afraid.”

“Yes.”

“So was I. I didn’t want to lose you, however I had you, but I ended up losing you anyway.” Jim’s impossibly blue eyes were now pooled with tears. “God, I’m just the biggest fool.”

Ignoring the trembling that seemed to take over his entire body, Spock closed the final distance between them, and put both hands on Jim’s face. “If that is true, then we are fools together.”

And then he went to kiss Jim, but Jim was already kissing him, and it was like being given life, when you were dying. Those lips, the ones he had dreamed of more than he cared to admit, gave him life. And hope.

Jim’s lips slipped from his, and Spock chased them back, unwilling to even let Jim breathe, not for a moment. They had a lot of kissing to make up for.

Somehow, he had moved Jim to a wall, to brace him there, or perhaps, Jim had moved himself. It mattered not. It gave him more opportunity to devour him.

“Spock,” Jim said, breathlessly. “I need to breathe.”

“Later. Kiss now, breathe later.”

And then his mouth was on Jim’s again. He slipped his hands down to grab Jim’s ass, pulling him off the floor, and closer still. Jim’s hands were now fisted in Spock’s sweater as his mouth slanted over Spock’s again and again.

Then Jim broke free again, panting. “Stay with me.”

“I will never leave.”

Jim smiled, a beautiful smile that made Spock’s heart soar. “I meant tonight. For starters. Will you?”

“Where is your bedroom?”

Jim’s breath hitched. “Right.”

Spock carried Jim to the bedroom, suddenly illogically please at his superior strength. Even more pleased when Jim bounced a little when Spock tossed him onto the bed.

“Did you want to—”

Spock shut him up with a kiss, his tongue finding his way inside the moist warmth of Jim’s mouth. He decided the best way to answer Jim’s intended question was to divest him of his clothes and then it would be pretty clear to Jim what Spock’s intentions were.

Perhaps if he had not waited years for this, a lifetime really, and far too much time wasted apart when they could have been together, Spock would have patiently unbuttoned Jim’s shirt so as to preserve its integrity. Now, though, he could not have cared less. He tore it down the front, getting perverse satisfaction in the sound of buttons flying.

The torn sleeves were discarded next.

Jim did not protest in the least. In fact, the red hot desire in Jim’s eyes became more intense. Out came that tongue and Spock decided he’d had enough of that and leaned down to draw into his mouth and suckle on it.

Jim moaned, pushing up against Spock, reminding Spock he still had his pants on. He pulled back reluctantly and scooted down and off the bed to get rid of Jim’s shoes and his pants. As well as his own clothes. He didn’t care what ripped or what went where. All he cared about was getting back to the man who had his hand wrapped around his own erection, sliding his grip up the long, thick shaft.

“Lube,” Jim said as Spock kneeled on the bed once more beside him.

Spock shook his head. “I self-lubricate.”

“Hot damn. You really are fucking perfect.”

“James.”

Jim blinked. “Yeah?”

“Now is the time for silence.” Spock covered Jim’s lips with his own again. He lifted Jim’s legs parting them, and wrapping them around his own waist, and tilting him up so that Spock had the perfect angle to enter him.

Jim reached for Spock’s hand and to Spock’s surprise placed it on his own face.

“Are you sure?”

Jim nodded, his gaze on Spock about as intense and full of love and trust as anything Spock had ever seen. It left him awestruck. He spread his fingers on Jim’s face and then very slowly pushed into Jim’s welcoming body and mind.

“Oh, God,” Jim moaned out, his muscles closing around Spock’s cock in a way that made Spock nearly see stars. “I love you.”

“I love you. Always.”

It didn’t take either of them long. Because it had seemed they waited a lifetime. So many wasted years. But none of that mattered now. And it never would again.

Spock’s orgasm came on him fast, but not at all unexpected, for Jim’s mind was more compelling than he could have ever even guessed, though he had guessed it was, and his body was as if it had been made for Spock.

Jim followed after him quickly, splattering cum everywhere, and yet Spock found he didn’t care. He wouldn’t move from him. Not for a long time.

Later, when Spock stirred from sleep, but Jim had not, he rose from the bed to find his communicator in the pocket of his trousers. He messaged Nyota for he didn’t want to worry her, though he suspected she would guess where he was. He made the message simple.

_Nyota, I am spending the night with Jim. We will see you for breakfast. Spock._

Her response came quickly. It was a smiley face.


	7. Wild and Sweet the Words Repeat

Spock woke to Jim in his arms.

Something so wondrous, yes, but something he had never expected to experience. Not now in his life.

Jim’s head was resting on Spock’s chest. He put his hand to Jim’s face. Blue eyes suddenly stared at him.

“Jim.” His voice came out hoarser than he intended. “I was not initiating a meld, I merely wished to touch you.”

“It’s fine if you were, Spock.” Jim yawned. “I’m not afraid. I’ve never been afraid of you.”

Spock’s fingers gentled on Jim’s face.

“And do not bring up when you were choking me.”

A little startled that Jim had guessed his thoughts, Spock struggled to look innocent. “I would not.”

“I knew you would stop before you killed me,” Jim said softly.

“I still regret my actions of that day.” His other hand moved to grasp Jim’s hand in his. “I will spend the rest of my life attempting to rectify all of the wrongs I have done against you.”

Jim shook his head, smiling. “Instead of wearing a hair shirt as penance for your perceived sins, why don’t we just move forward, acknowledge we both fucked up, and vow to live our lives together as best we are able.”

“That would be entirely logical.”

“Hm. Surprised even myself with that one.”

Spock exhaled very slowly. “I am aware it is far too soon to speak of this, but it is my desire to one day initiate a bond with you.”

“Asking me to marry you, are you?”

“Yes.” Spock hesitated. “But there is time to have such serious discussions at a later date. I do not wish to pressure you.”

“I don’t feel pressured. We’ve both waited a long time for this.”

Spock nodded and leaned down to kiss Jim gently. That he could do this. Kiss Jim whenever he wanted. Well, it was a great thing.

Jim smiled and squeezed his hand. “So, this is the part where we talk about the future?”

“All I know is, I want my future to be with you. I do not want to waste any more time.”

“We’ve definitely wasted enough,” Jim agreed. “Given my current commission, I have to live here.”

“I am amenable to that.”

“New Vulcan—”

“My current work for the planet can be conducted anywhere. In the future, should your circumstances change, we can consider relocating ourselves on New Vulcan. For now I am more than content to remain by your side here.”

“This place is kind of small.”

“We can look for a new place if you would like, but the simplicity more than suits me.”

Jim laughed then. “You’re being damn agreeable.”

“Honestly, Jim, being with you is all I need. Anything else is negligible in my considerations.”

Jim nodded then, becoming very serious. “We can work on getting you to see your daughter, if you want to.”

“I would like to,” Spock replied quietly.

“Then we’ll make it happen.” Jim sighed. “Guess we have to move, huh?”

“I did tell Nyota we would join her for breakfast.”

“You told her about us?”

“I advised I was spending the night, I believe she surmised the rest, logically.” Spock hesitated to bring up anything negative at this point and yet he did not wish to pretend it didn’t happen either. “Jim. Theta Kiokis II.”

For a moment Jim just stared at him and Spock began to believe Jim would refuse to discuss it, and perhaps, even, that was for the best.

“Yeah,” Jim whispered. “I thought you didn’t even want to be my friend anymore. And that hurt.”

“I thought the same. I did not know what made you withdraw from me, but I most definitely noticed,” Spock admitted. “You refused all offers of social interaction with me to the point I stopped asking. And even as you pulled away from me, you became closer still to Dr. McCoy. “

“Yeah.”

“By the time our mission ended, we barely even talked. And it seemed you treated me no different than other members of your crew.”

“I know. I thought I was giving you want you wanted. I didn’t want it to be uncomfortable for you.” Blue eyes searched his. “I told you I was a fool.”

Spock shook his head. “No more than I. I should have confronted you. Or told you how I felt to begin with.”

“Nothing can change what went on before and the mistakes we made.” Jim leaned into him, kissing him. “Let’s not dwell on our failings.”

“Very well, but I wish to add that if I have ever contributed to your feelings of unworthiness when it comes to being loved, I regret it immensely. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

****

As they opened the door of Nyota’s apartment the jingle bells Jim had placed there rang rather merrily. And whereas Spock might have found them irritating generally, just now he did not.

“Nyota? We are here,” Spock called out.

She came out from her bedroom dressed in a velvet red dress that was decorated with holly leaves. “I know. I heard the bells. It’s hard to sneak up on anyone with those there.”

She looked good. Healthy. It wasn’t obvious she was ill, though Spock knew she was.

On the way over, after several stops Jim had insisted on making, Jim had asked Spock what he thought the chances were that Nyota would be there a year from now.

“I cannot speculate,” Spock had answered, though it hurt to say so.

“I talked to Bones,” Jim had answered. “Though he’s not her doctor, he knows her condition. And it’s…difficult.”

They had mutually decided not to discuss it further. Not then anyway. They were glad to be together finally, and they wanted to share their love and happiness with Nyota.

“We brought you presents,” Jim announced to her with a wide grin.

Her eyes lit up. “Presents?”

“Yep. Lots and lots of Christmas presents.” Jim held up a bag of brightly wrapped presents. “There’s a few here for us too.”

“You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble,” Nyota said, but she was smiling.

Spock realized Jim had been right to stop and get the gifts. For all his inability to express and deal with his own emotions, Jim was remarkably astute where other humans were concerned.

“It was no trouble, Nyota,” Spock replied. “It was our pleasure.”

“And also, we brought breakfast.” Jim held up several bags and boxes.

“We could have made something here,” she said, but she was already reaching for the things Jim held.

“There are cinnamon rolls, donuts, biscuits and gravy, hash browns, sausages, bacon, and eggs.”

Nyota laughed. “You’re only feeding the three of us, not the crew of the Enterprise, Jim.”

He grinned. “So we’ll have leftovers.” His communicator beeped and he pulled it out. Jim frowned. “Hang on. I should take this.”

Spock turned to Nyota as Jim stepped to the side of the room.

“You look wonderful, Spock. Then I can assume I was right all along?”

She deserved to look smug, Spock supposed.

“Yes, you were quite correct.”

“I knew it!”

“You do not have to say I told you so.”

“Oh, yes, I do.” She hugged him quick or tried to, but Spock pulled her back into his arms and made the embrace last longer. When finally he allowed her to escape she was smiling still, though her eyes were wet. “I’m so glad you’re happy, ngudu.”

“I only wish—”

“Shh.” She shook her head. Then she glanced at Jim. “He’s talking to her.”

“Who?”

“Antonia. That bitch.”

Spock looked to Jim. He was frowning and his shoulders looked tense and drawn in. “She cannot have him.”

“Go get him.”

Spock stepped over to where Jim stood and took the communicator out of his hand. He brought it to his own mouth. “He is busy.”

There was a startled silence. “Who are you?” a woman asked.

“I am Spock.” He closed the communicator and handed it back to Jim who gave him a barely indulgent look.

“I was handling that.”

“I am sure.”

Jim rolled his eyes and then returned to the bag of presents. A great big red sack Jim had insisted on buying. It was Santa’s bag he said. He brought them over to Nyota.

“I don’t have anything for you,” she protested with a pout.

“You’ve already given me what I needed,” Jim told her.

She laughed. “Spock?”

He laughed with her, hearty and loud. It warmed Spock. “No, silly.”

She scrunched up her face. “What then?”

“Your friendship,” he said softly. “For a kid who grew up without any friends, without anyone, really, he could rely on, that’s-that’s more than I could ask for.”

Her eyes filled with tears and so did Jim’s for that matter. And she hugged him, and he, her, right back. For a long time they just held each other and Spock let them, for it was something they needed. All of them.

Finally, Nyota looked at him, smiling through her tears. “Come here,” she called to Spock. And he went willingly, joining them in their embrace.

The two people who meant the most to him in this universe. His sister, his mate. Perhaps someday he’d know his daughter enough to be able to include her, but for now he was content with them.

A year from now, Spock was not certain where they would be. But he knew he would be by Jim’s side. For all time.

“Merry Christmas,” Jim said, his voice strong and sure, commanding.

“Merry Christmas,” Nyota said.

Spock closed his eyes. “And a Happy New Year.”   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a bittersweet ending, I know. And I deliberately left Nyota's fate unknown. This is not a light, happy Christmas tale, but I hope you liked it.


End file.
